Thief of Hearts
My column is late, my love life is on hold, BUT I'm going to live really long. I just have to eat like a goat and designate the toilet as my new bed.
View ArticleLove in a Hopeless Place
It's a whirlwind, growing up. I can't get the hang of it. I'm on tour with a new book but I don't know how I got here. I say aloud, I have to earn my stripes. But am I ready for scars too?
View ArticleHouse of Love
Did I miss the memo? Since when is it all right to solicit someone for sex in the middle of the day without offering food or money?
View ArticleThe Gay With The Skinning Knife
I try to see the best in people. Like my friend Carey, who would have guessed him to be so crafty with a skinning knife?
View ArticleWilliams So-No-Oh-Oh-ma
My friend Josh has a dilemma. Single for two years, he's graduated from making love to kitchen utensils. It won't do anymore.
View ArticleWhat Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Stronger)
My god Becky! The new 'IT' boy in the neighborhood is a serial rapist. He's the hottest thing since those hideous lawn globes.
View ArticleLove to Love You Baby
I guess one could say I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I want to shoot my load all over it but don't want to stick around to see the ugly afterbirth.
View ArticleAll Eyes On You
My father's new thing is he has absolutely no boundaries. I don't know when we've come to this point in our relationship but I believe it started somewhere around the time he hit 65 and stopped giving...
View ArticleUnder The Sheets
I'm not sure what to do with my girl Jackie. Her boyfriend recently taught her what it's like to go anal, and now she's convinced that she should have been born a gay man.
View ArticleChicken Fellatio
"I can't believe it. He's pissed off because I used to eat Chick-Fil-A. My mom's pissed because I eat meat in general, and my dad's pissed because I eat penis. What am I supposed to eat?"
View ArticleWalking With a Ghost
There's a time in every adult man's life when he realizes he's no longer a kid. For me, it occurred while hanging out at a theme park without a kid of my own, right when I realized I looked like a...
View ArticleFifty Shades of Cray Cray
I can't say why I'm reading -openbracket-bold-closebracket-"Fifty Shades of Grey."-openbracket-/bold-closebracket- What I discover is I need a steely vagina and a man willing to beat me into submission.
View ArticleLet's Get Physical
I'm an awful friend because I'm not in support of Doug and his less-than-sexy fling with a doctor even though it's not technically a fling.
View ArticleDaddy Daycare
I started doing away with New Year resolutions in my twenties when I began to realize that nobody gives a shit what I resolve.
View ArticleThe Cream of the Cropped
I once had a prominent politician say I was more of a publicity whore than a journalist. I was insulted, taking offense at the superfluous word 'publicity' until I found myself drunk scribbling...
View ArticleTill the World Ends
I don't get it. Allen Ginsberg writes poems about assholes and is declared one of America's most influential poets, and when I do the same thing, I get kicked out of newspapers. Is my asshole that...
View ArticleIt (Kind of) Gets Better
Welcome to my life. My father wants me to be a slut because then I'll lead a more interesting existence.
View ArticleSay It Isn't Sooooooo
I don't know if I like my 30's. I've been told I've become too put together, too flashy to piss on my shoes at a rock show, and that upsets me because I enjoy pissing on my shoes, at least if they're...
View ArticleAdult Education
Yes, being a writer is glamorous and interesting, but sometimes I feel like I've written myself in a role I can't fulfill. I ask myself, how did I become a dating expert?
View ArticleDiamond Life
For the sake of keeping things fresh, I'm taking on a thrilling, new mysterious role in my relationship by keeping my boyfriend guessing about my exact location at any given time. The problem is the...
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